06292017Headline:

Some Days You Just Need To Swear

small__7441708572by Jenny Hansen

Some days you just need to swear.

When I first posted on this topic, Baby Girl was just starting to talk. Now? She’s repeating everything, which means I have to spell everything. And sometimes the Hubs will just say the word I’m trying NOT to say (like chocolate)…and then I want to swear.

Or she’ll take every toy out the bin, so the bin is clean and my dining room is a mess. And then I really want to swear.

I think I’m gonna need some more help on this one. What new tricks do you have for swearing that isn’t actual swearing? I think I need to get more creative.

I’m just going to admit it. Periodically, I swear. I think about everyone does, at least when things aren’t going smoothly. Well, OK…everyone but my Aunt Sherry who taught kindergarten for 30+ years.

One thing that’s really helping my current Clean Mouth Campaign is that I’m related to SO many creatively clean potty mouths. I’ve got TONS of funny variety to help me stay on the non-swearing side of the street.

For example, I’ve got my “non-cursing” brother who says things like:

  • “Listen, Fartknocker!” when his fellow drivers upset him. (translation: A-hole)
  • Or “Dude, YOU are just a turtleneck with ears!” (translation: “Dickhead!”)
  • Then there’s my very favorite way he describes “white trash”: “Sis, this place was supposed to be a ‘resort’ but it was ‘Whiskey Tango’ Central over there.”

Really, my whole family has the knack:

  • My cousin Carrie, when she’s pissed off at her hubby, yells: “Well God BLESS!” in a super funny-scary voice. Or “Two tears in a bucket…” (Cause “bucket” rhymes with “f*c% it!”) She kills me every time she says it.
  • Another cousin’s way to call you an idiot is to say, “You need Jesus.”
  • Computer dude cousins reference their boneheaded end-users as “having an I D 10 T Error” (pronounced “eye-dee-ten-tee,” which is easily translated on paper.
  • My mother’s most frequent warning, when I was getting close to THE LINE was to say, “Jennifer Jo…” (in that spooky voice all parents seem to master). She’d follow it up with, “You’re tap dancing on my last nerve!!!”
  • And when I was about to cross the point of no return into DEEP doo-doo, she’d say “Are we gonna have a donkey barbecue?” (That would be an “ass chewin’.”)

There’s the ever popular “Shut the front door!” (I don’t have to translate that, right?)

Plus, I grew up in a neighborhood where, if you weren’t black, you were Jewish (I am neither) so I’ve got a creative arsenal of Yiddish words to help me out. “Schmuck” is my all time favorite way to call someone “a stupid tiny peckerhead.” (List of English words of Yiddish origin.)

But I’d say my MOST preferred way to cleanly drop the F-Bomb, adopted by one of my BFFs and adored by everyone in my circle, is to say:

“FOCUS, people!” or “You need to focus!!”

The translation for this can be found here, or you can just scroll down.

A few more clicks.

Down a little more…

Just a liiiiiittle further…..

OK, this should be far enough for y’all to have shooed your youngers and elders away. Pardon my French, in advance:

F*ck

Off

Cuz

Ur

Stupid

What’s the most creative swearing being done in your neck of the woods? Do you have any “clean” delights to share? We’re aiming for words and phrases we can say in front of Grandma without making her keel over. Continue the discussion at the #SocialIn hashtag on Twitter or SocialInDC on Facebook!

~ Jenny
@JennyHansenCA

About Jenny Hansen

By day, Jenny provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. By night she writes humor, memoir, women’s fiction and short stories. After 18 years as a corporate software trainer, she’s delighted to sit down while she works.

When she’s not at her personal blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter at JennyHansenCA or at Writers In The Storm.

© 2014 Jenny Hansen. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact me at the above links to request permission.

photo credit: mabith via photopin cc


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